Submitted by CobaltNova on Wed, 01/21/2004 - 1:03pm. cooked Gaming News
If you had a choice which NBA player would you rather be, Jud Buechler or Grant Hill? Grant Hill was a charismatic, highly-praised, and an All-Star loser who never got a whiff of the NBA championship. Jud Buechler was an awkward looking, no-talent, bench-riding throw away who owns three championship rings. Jud has more championships than hall-of-famers Charles Barkley, Patrick Ewing, Gary Payton, Karl Malone, and John Stockton have combined. That is the position I find myself in currently; I am a bench warming, towel waving, warm-up jumpsuit wearing member of the Chicago Bulls of Halo clans: [cooked Gamers].

So what is more important to me? Should I stay on the team and scavenge whatever crumbs of glory fall from the starting team’s buffet? Like a rat? Or strike it out on my own and start a clan that will no doubt toil in the slop of anonymity? As usual the decision will hinge on a single factor: chicks.

What type of clan member will chicks be drawn too more? The guy who is an active member of his team though it may be struggling? Or the guy that can talk big about his clan’s many championships and uber-eli7e status?

Yes, I know there are those of you out there that believe the human female that tolerates gaming is a mythical creature much like the sphinx, chimera, and three-toed sloth. (Why aren’t other animals identified by the number of their appendages? The three-dorsal dolphin? The five-fingered monkey? The three-legged CobaltNova… hahaha… Ahem.) Obviously merely mentioning, “clan”, to any sober female would result in shrieks and pepper mace. I understand that. But like the very real sloth with three toes there are those women who may be receptive to your clan exploits. And if your achievements are impressive enough you just may reach that lofty apex of the nerd dating mountain: “Can we just be friends?”

So what will they find more appealing? The clan leader with an .500 record? Or the guy with a CAL championship that rides the bench hard? (Some of you may be wondering why I haven’t taken the opportunity to use the title in a double entendre. That would take away from the serious focus of my dilemma: my ass is sore from riding wood for forty minutes while other guys are out there delivering facials with their gun.) The only way to find out is to conduct a survey (while wearing protective goggles and air filter in case of macing) and find out which is more appealing. But that’s beyond the scope of this story so I think I’ll just flip a coin.

[flip]

Damn, it landed on its side.